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I have ended my employment with my current employer. I feel that it is for the best for both the company and myself. I hope that this will give me the opportunity to concentrate on things that I deem more worthy of my time and effort. Luckily, I am going to return to a previous work environment where I feel more comfortable and in a better environment. Funny enough, it will be about the same time I started there last year. Things will be different for me in many ways, including more directed responsibility and better rewards. I look forward to this experience very much, and I am grateful to those who have made it possible.

Now, I know that I have written about this before, but now it is more important than ever. I am getting the "going back to school" thing quite underway, and have begun to compile some pieces for submission to both schools and for publication. There a certain few schools that fit my needs, as I plan to achieve my Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing and concentrate on publishing a poetry collection or a nonfiction book of some sort whilst doing a teaching assistantship. I then plan to teach where ever I end up, and write whatever the fuck I want to. I'm looking closely at NYU and The New School, so you guys up there should be pretty stoked about that.

Lastly, I have decided that tomorrow, MAY 1, I am going to start a 365 project. Taking the a cue from CeCe, I want to do better at catalouging my life in a very specific way. Hopefully, it will help me gain some perspective on my own life as well as give me a little motivation in the right direction. Hell, I bet it might even force me to be creative. Stay tuned, as it begins tomorrow. Here are the things I'll be doing:

1.) Draw something.
2.) Write 100 words.
3.) Take a picture.
4.) Read for 15 minutes.
5.) Make a ridiculous observation.
6.) Quote someone.

I hope you'll enjoy. Thanks, Cece for inspiration on this. Keep up the good work.

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Dino is my hero.

What about this weekend - fare ye well! we'll meet ye at willard's on chusday.

We went to the Decemberists show last week and it was awesome. I have wanted to see them for a while, and they played a wonderful live show. The venue was great as wa the quality of the performance. However, I was a little disappointed that they didn't play any of their old stuff. They did play their three epic songs (The Tain, Crane Wife I-III, and then The Island) in a row to kick off the show, which I was really glad to see.

We had alligator and LIT's before the show with Ryan and Meg, and it was lots of fun.

Please come to DSI on Friday, April 13th for Callie's screen printing class's art show Squeegee Armada @ 6, and then stay for Mr. Diplomatat 9:30 with special guests North Elementary. Fun!

How do you feel - i'm so fond of writing, i should go spinning on'plenty of nature

I am only a few days away from 27. This time of year usually makes me feel good, makes me feel like the future is happening. This time of year holds great memories in my life, and is also a reminder of choices that I made in the past that I am not too proud of. This year, I feel like I am in shock, like my life is happening and I'm barely a part of it. Granted, there are things in my life that I love. I love them dearly. My friends, my family, my talents and the ways I can express myself creatively. I do not love the fear I feel when I wake up in the morning. I do not love the inability to go to sleep at night.

For a long while when I was in Chicago, I was not working at all. This, combined with the cold weather, made me very depressed and ill, made me drink to excess and complain and bring people down. I tried to find something, anything that I could do to make myself just work and be happy. I ended up with 2 easy part time jobs and was desired in more ways than one by the people at those jobs. The jobs were not paying the bills, though, and the bills kept piling up.

Time passed and I left Chicago, came here to NC to be with people who love me, to be in a supportive creative environment where my talents and abilities would be respected and nurtured. Sure enough, these things happened. And still happen. But that is not what this post is about. This post is not about the things in my life, its about me in my life. I feel like my jacket is too small some days, too big others. That I have too much to wear, too much to breathe. So I'm suffocating, but I realize the hands around my throat are my own. I put them there because that's what I'm supposed to do. Not to sound dramatic, but I feel like I spend most of my time dying and less of it living.

So what's the problem?

Well, there is room for growth, certainly. I know that. There are hundreds of directions to choose from. The problem is balance. I know its impossible, or at least very unlikely, that everything in your life is going to make you happy. Rather, it is unlikely that you can be satisfied with everything in your life. But is it worth it when the one or two things in your life make you so unhappy that you regret them? That you loathe the thing or you loathe the feeling it gives you? What, then, do you do about that thing? Do you give it up and find something that works better? Or do you hack away at it, hoping the bark will give way and expose the trunk? The truth is, I don't know. If I did, I wouldn't be feeling this way, and I wouldn't be writing this post.

The fact of the matter is that I have to do something soon. I have to get out of my current dilemma, or I will never get out of it. I don't know what it will take, but I can't keep living my life in fear. My chest has a sinkhole, the feeling before you drop down the big slope of the roller coaster. The feeling of your arm being asleep when you wake up in the middle of the night and the reality of the room and walls around you don't add up with what you've been dreaming.
The panic.
The lack of control.
The teeth falling out of your mouth.

This is it.